Equipment Jokes

I trust my reference block completely. It's the standard I hold myself to.

Probe cables are a lot like holiday lights. They all worked perfectly the last time you packed them.

My instrument battery died at the top of the tower. It was a low point at a high altitude.

The firmware update gave my instrument a new lease on life and a menu I'll never find.

Couplant and I have a lot in common. We both smooth things over.

Running out of couplant is the most slippery slope in the field.

The wedge's attitude was the problem. It was always at an angle.

My instrument case was very heavy on the stairs. It really weighed on me.

The reference block never apologizes for its flaws.

Our new instrument has a touchscreen, and it's very sensitive. Mostly to gloves.

Why was the calibration block so calm during the audit?

What do you call a probe cable with a bad connector?

What's the difference between a probe and a probe cable?

Why wouldn't the instrument battery go up the scaffold?

How many spare batteries does a technician carry?

Where is the setting you need in the instrument menu?

Why did the couplant bottle look so tired at the end of the shift?

What's the heaviest piece of NDT equipment?

Why did the ultrasonic probe sign up for night classes?

The instrument passed calibration this morning. By lunch it was a different instrument, which is why we check it again.

Every instrument has a manual, and it's always in the other truck.

The instrument works perfectly in the shop and develops trust issues in the field.

The probe cable is always exactly as long as the distance you need, minus six inches.

A reference block weighs three pounds in the shop and forty on the third level of scaffold.

The instrument screen is perfectly readable indoors and a mirror outdoors.

An instrument case is a rectangular reminder that you packed everything except the one thing.

The day couplant matters most is the day the bottle has one last squeeze left.

You might be an NDT tech if your first question on any scaffold is "How do I get the cart up there?"

You might be an NDT tech if your cable has more tape than cable.

You might be an NDT tech if you've ever named your instrument and then apologized to it.

You might be an NDT tech if you carry a spare cable for your spare cable.

The technician was ninety feet up and tied off when the battery warning flashed. She saved her data, climbed down and swapped in the spare. At the bottom she gave the instrument a short lecture about timing. It stayed on the rest of the shift out of respect.

Overnight the shop pushed a firmware update to every instrument. In the morning Sam found a new menu, a new icon, and a welcome screen. He needed three things: gain, range, and zero offset. He found the welcome screen again nine more times before lunch.

The technician spent twenty minutes tracing a missing signal through the instrument, the cable, the connector and the probe. Then someone asked whether the cable was plugged in. It was plugged into the wrong port. She moved it and the signal came back. 'Twenty minutes of electronics,' she said, 'and the fix was one inch of cable.'

The auditor held up the reference block. 'When was this last verified?' The technician opened the labeled calibration binder to the tab and handed over the certificate. 'Last month,' she said. 'It's been resting ever since.'

Reference Block (n.): The only piece of steel on site whose flaws were ordered in advance.

Firmware Update (n.): A surprise redecoration of the instrument menu, scheduled for the day before the biggest job.

Couplant (n.): The only thing in the field that is applied liberally and still runs out.

Cable Wiggle (n.): The traditional diagnostic procedure for a probe that works only sometimes.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gauge.
Gauge who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cable.
Cable who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Battery.
Battery who?

There once was a tech who climbed high
With an instrument under her eye.
When the battery died
At the top, she just sighed
And enjoyed the view and the sky.

Update complete now.
Menu moved to somewhere else.
Gain is hiding. Why?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
The cable worked fine
Till I needed it to.

Are you a calibration block? Because I'm only sure about everything else once I've checked it against you.

Are you the back wall? Because every time I send something your way, I get a strong response.

Ever notice that the more expensive the instrument, the more menus it takes to find the thing the cheap one did with a knob?

Ever notice that instruments never fail at the shop, where there's a spare, only in the field, where there's nobody?

Nobody warns you that you'll spend more time carrying NDT equipment than using it.

The new instrument claims it boots up in no time.

A calibration block is the only thing on site whose thickness everyone agrees on.

Every inspection has three phases: setup, scanning, and finding the one cable you didn't pack.

Every couplant bottle has two speeds: 'nothing' and 'everywhere.'

Real-time data is easy until you meet a Wi-Fi signal inside a tank.

You might be a technician if a coffee pot that's 'almost ready' makes your eye twitch like a bad probe cable.

Ever notice that the one tool you leave in the truck is the one the job needs?

What is a pressure vessel's least favorite day?

A dosimeter is the most loyal coworker you will ever have. It goes everywhere you go and quietly keeps track.

The turbine blade inspector was always on edge. Leading edge, to be exact.

Why do feedwater heater tubes never win arguments?

Ever notice that a boiler has miles of tubes, and the one that needs attention is always at the far end of the last row?

I asked the turbine inspector how the rotor looked. 'Balanced,' he said. 'To the ounce.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pig.
Pig who?

You might work on ships if your tape measure has seen more of the hull than the captain has.

You might be a bridge inspector if your coffee has a lid, your clipboard has a leash, and your hat has a chin strap.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rivet.
Rivet who?

Are you a pin-and-hanger assembly? Because I'd check on you every two years, and you'd still be the most important connection I have.

Why did the high-strength bolt always win at tug-of-war?

Why do blade root bolts make good friends?

You might be a rope access technician if your tool bag has more tethers than tools.

The crew's new borescope had a seven-hour battery and a lovely screen. At the base of the tower it said 100 percent. At the top of the tower it said 14 percent. 'It's the cold,' said the technician. The battery said 9 percent. 'And the altitude,' she said, and headed back down to charge it.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yaw.
Yaw who?

Are you a pitch bearing? Because you keep me turning in the right direction.

The tower flange bolts went on a team retreat. They said it was the first time they were all on the same torque.

Why does the gage block always win the argument?

You might be a manufacturing inspector if you've ever set your coffee on the surface plate and been scolded by a machinist.

The plant manager cut the ribbon on the new inspection station, thanked everyone, and put a pallet of parts in front of it. By lunch the line of pallets behind it was long. 'That's a queue,' said the inspector. 'It means everyone is counting on us.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Gauge.
Gauge who?

A hi-rail truck is the only vehicle that can drive on the road and on the railroad, and still get stuck behind a freight.

My hand warmer and my glove have excellent contact. No couplant needed.

Why does a battery read full at breakfast and empty by ten in the cold?

My gloves have two modes: warm enough to work, or thin enough to work. Never both.

Couplant, Winter Edition (n.): A gel that has decided to be a solid until further notice.

Why did the high-temperature transducer get promoted?

The instrument screen is easiest to read at sunset, which is also when the shift ends.

The booth demo was so good I went back for a second look. Excellent repeatability.

Why did the demo work perfectly?

The demo part has exactly one discontinuity, and the whole booth knows exactly where it is.

You might be an NDT tech if you can identify a vendor's booth by the pens in your bag.

Why was the calibration certificate so relaxed at the audit?

A reference block is a plan, a standard and a promise, all machined into one piece of steel.

Nobody warns you that the flashlight is the busiest tool in a heavy check, and the one nobody remembers to charge.

Why did the bridge inspector bring a small hammer to the bolted connection?

Snooper Truck (n.): A vehicle with an arm that lets the inspector see the underside of the bridge without leaving the road.

What do hi-rail trucks and rail inspectors have in common?

Track Time (n.): The window between trains when the inspection happens. It is always fifteen minutes shorter than the work.

The first-article part finally met the drawing.

First-Article Inspection (n.): The one part that gets looked at more closely than every part that follows combined.

I asked my probe how it stays so calm under pressure.

The thickness gauge is great in relationships.

I turned the gain down to get rid of the grass.

I keep my calibration block on a pedestal.

The BNC connector is the most stubborn member of the crew.

The couplant promised it would always fill the gap in my life.

My probe wedge wore down on one side.

Why did the technician's A-scan look like a lawn?

Why did the thickness gauge never get a raise?

Why did the couplant bottle get nervous at the job site?

Why did the receiver ask the pulser for some space?

Why did the delay line get promoted?

Why do ultrasonic probes make bad secret keepers?

Why was the damping material so well loved?

How do you know a transducer is in love?

A thickness gauge never lies. It just rounds.

I trust my instrument completely, right up until the velocity is set for the wrong material.

Couplant always runs out at the exact moment you are farthest from the shop.

The gain knob has two settings: not enough, and what is all this grass?

A side-drilled hole is the only hole in the shop that is exactly where it's supposed to be.

The probe, the cable, the connector, the battery: an Ultrasonic Testing setup is only as strong as its cheapest link.

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

The client asked why we need couplant. I explained that sound doesn't travel well through air. She nodded, then asked whether a thin film really beats pressing harder. I said it does: pressing harder only wears the probe and tires the thumb, while the film gets you a signal. She asked if she could squeeze the bottle.

My apprentice's thickness gauge said the steel plate was less than half its drawn thickness. He wanted to alert the engineer. I asked what material he had set. 'Whatever was on the screen when I turned it on,' he said. It was acrylic.

At 3 a.m. on a turnaround I realized I'd been finding indications for two hours that moved whenever I rotated the probe. The wedge was cracked. The only discontinuity on the job was in my equipment.

The auditor asked how we know the thickness gauge is accurate. I showed him the step wedge. He asked how we know the step wedge is accurate. I showed him the certificate. He asked who checks the lab. I said the Level III. 'And who checks the Level III?' 'That,' I said, 'is what you're for.'

I once ran Time-of-Flight Diffraction on a weld for six hours before noticing the encoder was unplugged. The data was beautiful. It was also one single point, six hours long.

Couplant (n.): A gel that spends all night on the part and all weekend on your jacket.

Calibration Block (n.): A piece of steel that has been told it is perfect and believes it.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Probe.
Probe who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Skip.
Skip who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wedge.
Wedge who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Couplant.
Couplant who?

A technician whose gain was too high
Saw grass growing up to the sky.
He reset to the line
Set by the procedure's design,
And the screen cleared up. Sensible guy.

Gel on the cold steel.
One pulse goes in, one comes back.
The back wall is home.

There once was a probe running dry
That got not a signal, oh my!
Then a drop of the gel
Made the screen come out well,
And the back wall stood tall in reply.

Corrosion at last.
The gauge reads half what it should.
The weekend is gone.

You must be couplant, because there's no air between us.

Are you a thickness gauge? Because I lose a little more of my wall every time you get close.

Nobody warns you that the second you finish calibrating, someone asks you to scan something hotter, colder, or thicker.

The rotating probe never loses an argument.

The differential probe is very judgmental.

Shielded probes keep their fields to themselves.

Why do eddy current technicians love heat exchangers?

Why did the impedance plane never get lonely?

What did the probe say after pulling through 800 tubes?

The tube is clean, the probe is calibrated, the frequency is right, and the signal is still a mystery. It's called Tuesday.

A calibration standard with flat-bottom holes at set depths is the only honest ruler in a heat exchanger.

The technician spent the morning chasing a signal across the heat exchanger tubes. It showed up in every tube, always at the same distance. She finally traced it to the support plate, which had been on the drawing the whole time.

The rookie pulled her bobbin probe through twenty tubes without a single bit of noise. The senior technician was impressed, then suspicious. The cable had been disconnected since tube one.

Impedance Plane (n.): A screen where every flaw gets a squiggle and every squiggle gets an opinion.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bobbin.
Bobbin who?

Tube after tube clean.
One small pit near the support.
The report gets long.

Ever notice that the loudest signal on an eddy current screen is usually the wobble from your own hand?

Everyone said the darkroom tech was negative. He said he was just developing his character.

The image quality indicator is the only coworker whose whole job is proving the rest of us can see.

A collimator is the best manager on the crew: it keeps everyone pointed the same way.

My survey meter and I have a healthy relationship. It keeps me informed and I keep my distance.

A radiograph that comes out too dark is simply in a bad mood. It has density issues.

Fixer is the one chemical in the darkroom that really helps film move on.

Fine-grain film is like a thorough Level III: it takes its time, and the detail is worth the wait.

A step wedge is a staircase that never goes anywhere, but it shows you exactly how far you've come.

Why did the radiographer send the film back to the supplier?

What did the film say when someone opened the darkroom door?

Why would you never play cards against a sheet of film?

Why did the film cassette get promoted?

Why did the darkroom retire early?

How many radiographers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why do dosimeters make great friends?

Why was the fast film so rough around the edges?

Computed radiography plates hold their images like grudges, until someone finally erases them.

The darkroom smells like vinegar and regret.

A lead pig is the only pig that has never leaked a secret.

Expired film is just a fog machine you paid for.

The best thing about digital radiography is that the image appears immediately. The worst is that the darkroom was the only quiet room in the building.

You might be a radiographer if the smell of vinegar makes you think of stop bath instead of salad.

You might be a radiographer if your dosimeter has been to more job sites than your passport.

You might be a radiographer if you read a densitometer faster than your own mail, and trust it more.

You might be a radiographer if you've ever stared at a 2T hole on a viewer until it showed up out of politeness.

A new technician was told: no light in the darkroom, ever. When the power went out across the building, she was the only one who didn't notice.

A radiographer visiting a kindergarten class explained that she took pictures of the inside of metal. 'Do the pictures come out?' a boy asked. 'Eventually,' she said. 'First they have to sit in the dark for a while.' 'Like me at nap time!' he said. 'Do they get cookies?' 'No, just chemicals.' He decided to become a firefighter.

The shop's new digital detector arrived. The old darkroom man, who had loaded film for thirty years, watched the first image appear in two seconds. 'That's it?' he asked. 'That's it.' He stood there a moment, then quietly went and made a pot of coffee, because for the first time in thirty years he had time to.

Two radiographers argued for an hour about whose turn it was to carry the survey meter. The supervisor finally settled it: 'You both carry one.' They looked down. Both were already wearing one.

A client asked why the shop still used film. The radiographer held up a radiograph from 1987 and said, 'This one is still perfectly readable.' Then she asked, 'Do you still have a computer that can open your files from the same year?' The client ordered film for another year.

Latent Image (n.): A radiograph's best-kept secret, until the developer tells all.

Densitometer (n.): A device that tells you, to two decimal places, how wrong your guess was.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fog.
Fog who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Film.
Film who?

Safelight, soft and red,
film sleeps in a paper bed.
Then someone walks in.

Said the film to the lead screen, 'I mean,
You're the sharpest support I have seen.'
Said the lead, 'It's just me
Dropping scatter for free
So your image stays crisp and clean.'

No chemicals now.
The image appears at once.
Still, the client waits.

My dosimeter clips on my chest,
It keeps every record and does its best.
It never complains
Of long shifts or rains,
And it never asks for a rest.

Are you a duplex wire image quality indicator? Because I just can't resolve my feelings for you.

Are you fixer? Because you make my feelings permanent.

Do you have a survey meter? Because every time I get near you, my readings go up.

Ever notice it only rains after you've taped the cassette to the pipe?

Ever notice the film never gets fogged until the very last cassette of the job?

Ever notice that the one time you forget the step wedge is the time the client asks to see it?

Ever notice that after one fingerprint shows up on the film, the whole shop starts wearing gloves?

A yoke is only interested in longitudinal relationships.

Prods are great for starting conversations. Unfortunately, so are arc strikes.

Demagnetizing taught me patience. You can't force a part to forget. You have to walk it away slowly.

Fluorescent particles are the life of the party, but only if someone turns the lights off first.

A central conductor does all the work and lets the part take the credit for the circular field.

Dry powder is the introvert of magnetic particles. Blow on it and it leaves the party.

The pie field indicator doesn't taste good, but it gives you a slice of information.

Fluorescent Magnetic Particle Testing is a bright idea in a dark booth.

Why did the yoke produce such a weak field in the part?

Why did the fluorescent particles refuse to work in daylight?

How do you say goodbye to a magnetic field?

Why do Magnetic Particle inspectors make terrible secret agents?

How many Magnetic Particle inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?

What did the bath say to the particles that were settling out?

Why do prods need firm contact before the current comes on?

The ten-pound lift test is the closest a Magnetic Particle inspector gets to the gym.

A wet particle bath is the only soup I would ever test with a settling tube.

In a UV-A booth, nothing shines like the lint on your own sleeve.

Visible particles show up in daylight. Fluorescent ones need a dark room to feel noticed.

You might be a Magnetic Particle inspector if your favorite place in the world is a dark booth with a UV-A lamp.

You might be a Magnetic Particle inspector if you've ever stuck a screwdriver to your clipboard just to check.

You might be a Magnetic Particle inspector if the first thing you do with a new tool is check it for residual magnetism.

You might be a Magnetic Particle inspector if your wristwatch has been magnetized at least once and you still wear it to the job.

In his first week in the Magnetic Particle booth, the Level II told the new hire that the black light would reveal everything. It did: the lint on his shirt, the coffee on his boots, and a corner of the part he'd forgotten to clean. 'Ah,' said the Level II. 'Now you understand the process.'

The Level III asked the trainee what to do after Magnetic Particle Testing. 'Demagnetize,' she said. 'Then?' 'Clean the part.' 'Then?' She looked down. Her clipboard was stuck to the part. 'Demagnetize before I leave,' she said. 'And maybe before I start, too.'

Every morning the inspector ran a settling test on the wet bath before the first part. The new hire asked why. 'Because the bath can't tell me it's tired,' she said. 'The tube can.'

On night shift, an inspector spent forty minutes chasing an indication that moved every time she wiped the part. It turned out to be a firefly that had wandered into the booth and decided the UV-A lamp was the best party in town.

Particle Concentration (n.): The one number in the bath that takes thirty minutes in a settling tube to tell you the truth.

Black Light (n.): A UV-A lamp that makes indications glow, white socks glow, and the inspector's dignity dim.

Prods (n.): Two handheld electrodes that create a circular field and, occasionally, a lesson about arc strikes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Yoke.
Yoke who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Coil.
Coil who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fluorescent.
Fluorescent who?

Dark booth, black light glow.
A bright line along the weld.
Or maybe just lint.

Clean the part, then add the field,
Let the particles be revealed.
If the line is sharp and clear,
Mark it down, the crack is here.

Are you fluorescent? Because you light up when the right wavelength hits you.

Ever notice that someone always switches the booth light on at the exact moment you've finally adapted to the dark?

Penetrant Testing is the only method where the part has to be cleaned before it gets any attention, and cleaned again after.

Developer is the best listener in the shop. It gets every crack to open up and tell its story.

Penetrant is the only guest who is told to wait the full dwell time and still gets blamed for the mark it leaves.

White developer is a blank canvas where the cracks do all the painting.

Visible red dye penetrant is easy to embarrass. It's always red in the face.

Fluorescent penetrant inspectors are real glow-getters.

Emulsifier is the peacemaker that finally gets oil-based penetrant and water to work things out.

What did the developer say to the penetrant?

What do you call a part that was washed too hard after the penetrant?

What does fluorescent penetrant say to a skeptical inspector?

Why did the inspector send the part back through pre-cleaning?

Why did the black light get invited to every inspection party?

Why did the inspector wear gloves during penetrant inspection?

A pink background is the part politely asking for a better rinse.

Developer should look like a light dusting of snow, not a blizzard in a very small town.

Under a black light, your white shoelaces become part of the report.

Fluorescent penetrant inspection is the only job where the lights go out and everything becomes clear.

You might be a penetrant inspector if you've ever judged a stranger by the cleanliness of their hands.

You might be a penetrant inspector if you own more than one black light and no good reason for it.

You might be a penetrant inspector if you've ever felt personally betrayed by a rag that left lint.

You might be a penetrant inspector if you check your fingernails for a fluorescent glow before leaving the booth.

A new inspector applied penetrant, waited the dwell time, washed it off with great enthusiasm, applied developer, and found nothing. 'Did I miss anything?' she asked. The Level II looked at the part, then at the drain. 'Not anymore,' he said. 'You washed it all away.'

A part arrived covered in paint, oil, and what the customer called 'a little grime.' The inspector cleaned it for an hour. 'Why did that take so long?' the customer asked. 'The penetrant needs a way in,' she said. 'Like a handshake?' 'More like a door,' she said. 'And yours was painted shut.'

'Every casting has an indication at the same spot,' said the new inspector. The Level III looked at where each casting hung on the rack. 'Then it isn't the casting,' she said. 'It's the hook.' The new inspector wrote 'check the hook' in her notebook.

A shop kept two black lights, one bright and one dim. The inspectors argued over the bright one until a Level III measured both and found someone had swapped the labels. The dim lamp had been working perfectly. The bright one had just been louder.

Developer (n.): A fine white coating that turns a part into a canvas and an inspector into a critic.

Pre-Cleaning (n.): The least glamorous step in the inspection and the one that decides everything.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dye.
Dye who?

Cleaning first, then the dye,
Let it dwell, don't be shy.
Wipe it right, then dust it white,
And the crack will come to light.

Are you a penetrant? Because you've been dwelling on my mind for at least ten minutes.

Are you red dye? Because you make me blush every time I get close.

Are you a surface-breaking discontinuity? Because I can't stop noticing you.

Ever notice that the can of cleaner is always empty at exactly the moment the part needs one more pass?

The drone that inspected the flare stack was a real hoverachiever.

The telescoping inspection mirror finally gave the inspector a handle on the situation.

What kind of music does a Visual Testing inspector like best?

Why does a borescope make a terrible secret keeper?

What's a crawler camera's biggest fear?

A flashlight is just a Visual Testing instrument with a battery problem.

The most-used Visual Testing instrument is the headlamp, and the second most-used is the search for the headlamp.

In borescope work, a crack stays put. A reflection follows you around like a puppy.

The inspection mirror lets you see around corners, which is also where most cracks hide.

You might be an inspector if your phone's flashlight has more hours on it than its camera.

A new inspector proudly flagged a bright spot at the bottom of the bore. The senior inspector looked at the screen, said nothing, and gently wiped the borescope lens with a cloth. The spot left with the smudge.

Borescope (n.): A tool that lets you look into a hole without the hole looking back. Usually.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Flash.
Flash who?

My mirror on its little pole
Found rust inside the narrow hole.
I logged the spot and sketched it too,
And now the crew knows what to do.

Are you a borescope? Because I'd follow you anywhere, even down a narrow pipe.

Ever notice that "visual" sounds easy to people who have never held a fillet gauge at an awkward angle with one hand?

What did the thermal camera say to the overheated motor bearing?

Shearography needs no radiation, no couplant, and no contact, and still manages to need a tripod and a darkened room.

A Level II's best piece of equipment is a Level III's phone number.

My data file has a backup, and the backup has a backup.

A report without a signature is like a Penetrant Testing job without developer: everything was done, but nothing shows.

Data on the drive.
Drive backed up, labeled, and filed.
Truck is in Boise.

The per diem rate has the same problem as a worn probe.

The machinist said the new fixture was a perfect fit.

Why does every tool at the top of the stack have a lanyard?

Ever notice that on a ship, the one cable you need is always at the other end of the vessel?

The inspector arrived to inspect the storage tank floor. 'It's under a million gallons of crude,' said the operator. 'Then I'll need a million gallons less crude,' said the inspector, 'and about three weeks.'

Corrosion Allowance (n.): The extra wall thickness a vessel is born with, which the plant spends like an allowance on a Saturday.

What did the thickness gauge say to the outside of the pipe elbow?

That pipe elbow has had a rough life. Everything keeps running into it.

The plant manager asked how long a heat exchanger bundle would take. The inspector pulled it, cleaned it, tested every tube and wrote the report. 'Great,' said the manager. 'And the other twelve?' 'Same,' said the inspector. 'Twelve times.' The manager did the math and quietly sat down.

Refueling Floor (n.): The one place in the plant where everyone talks quietly, walks slowly, and still runs out of time.

Why was the boiler tube so sensitive?

What happens to a steam generator tube with a relevant indication that is too large?

Steam generator inspection is a tube-ular career.

Bolt hole inspection is never boring. It's just full of bores.

How do you know an audit is going well in the lab?

The mechanic watched the inspector tap along a panel with a small hammer. 'Is that scientific?' he asked. 'It is,' she said. 'It has been peer-reviewed by every inspector who ever said, "That sounds wrong."'

Ever notice that the inspector's stamp is the smallest tool in the hangar and carries the most weight?

What is an in-line inspection pig's favorite subject?

You might be a pipeline inspector if your truck has more mud inside than outside.

Holiday (n.): A gap in the pipe coating. Unlike the other kind, nobody is happy to see it.

Why is an ultrasonic thickness gauge a good shipmate?

In a ballast tank you have to keep a level head. The tank rarely does.

Ever notice that the scaffolding in a tank is always built just short of the weld you need?

The gearbox borescope gets along with everyone. It's great at getting to the root of the problem.

Cold wind, long ladder
One rung, then another rung
The nacelle waits there

Why is Ultrasonic Testing so good at checking a blade's bond line?

The weld robot never takes a break, never asks for overtime, and never explains why the fixture moved.

Are you a first article? Because I'd check every single dimension and still find you perfect.

The Magnetic Particle Testing crew was great at their job. They were really drawn to it.

Why was the wheel inspector such a good judge of character?

Ultrasonic Testing of a wheel axle is a real turning point in the part's career.

I passed my color vision test with flying colors. Technically, that's the only way to pass it.

What's the best thing about a calibration sticker?

Why did the couplant sit out the winter job?

Winter inspection is mostly a search for the one finger that still works.

You might be a winter inspector if you have ever kept a bottle of couplant inside your coat to keep it from freezing.

The crew lined up the instruments next to the heater so the batteries would last. By lunch the instruments had the best seats in the shack, and the crew was standing outside holding the clipboard. Nobody complained. The instruments had been tested more thoroughly than anyone else on the job.

Nobody warns you that safety glasses fog up the moment you lean over the one weld you need to see.

I tried to keep my cool next to the 300 °F pipe. The thermometer suggested I keep my distance.

Regular couplant on a 300 °F pipe isn't couplant anymore. It's a cooking show.

Nobody warns you that a helmet is a personal greenhouse by noon.

Why did the inspector grab a free pen at every booth on Tuesday?

A pen from booth nine
writes for exactly one page
then retires in peace.

You might be audit-ready if you can find a calibration certificate faster than your car keys.

The holiday lights failed Visual Testing: one bulb out, and the whole strand rejected.

You might be an NDT tech if you inspect your holiday lights before hanging them and still end up with one dark bulb.

The inspector told the first row of fastener holes she was with them for the long haul.

Why did the inspector bring a coin to the composite panel?

Before the wing was closed up, the inspector counted her tools out loud. 'Twelve,' she said. Then she counted again. The crew chief asked why. 'The wing closes in an hour,' she said, 'and the tool count is the one number nobody negotiates.' The crew chief nodded and started counting his own pockets.

What does a hull plate say after a thickness survey?

An ultrasonic thickness reading is good to a thousandth of an inch. The tide table is good to the minute.

What's the longest thing on a pipeline job?

Bolts ring one by one,
one sounds flat. She marks it, smiles:
the hammer was right.

The flange bolts told the inspector they were under a lot of tension.

You might be a wind inspector if...

The inspector reached the top of the tower after a long climb, caught her breath, and opened the hatch to the nacelle. 'Everything okay up there?' the radio asked. 'Great view,' she said. 'And I forgot my torque wrench.' There was a pause. 'I have one,' the radio said. 'It's in my truck.'

The rail flaw detection crew says theirs is the only job where being on track is a requirement.

Rail flaw detection is a job that takes you places.

Nobody warns you that the longest part of a rail inspection day is the drive just to reach the track.